Wonderful Saturday

So this is my new tattoo. My little sister drew it for me. It is my Zodiac sign and my son's intertwined. It wasn't nearly as painful as 12 hours of labor was, but it was painful and reminded me why it was eight years inbetween tattoo sessions. I almost cried when I was telling the artist about the whole symbolism and how important it was that my sister drew it for me.

Beautiful Day

It was beautiful out today nearly 65 degrees and sunny all day. We took advantage of the opportunity to enjoy the outdoors and went to the park after work and daycare. I only had my phone with me, I had to capture the fact that in Kansas in the middle of January we were wearing short sleeve shirts and jeans. there werent many kids at the playground but there was one girl who kept following Cons around. We are both looking foward to this weekend, with meeting up with friends and family.

Too big

This evening Cons decided he is too big to let me see him naked. Lol...he kicked me out of the bathroom while he was taking his bath. He thought he kicked me out, I was peeking through the slightly open door. It seems like yesterday when he was in the sink for his baths, now he can wash his hair and bathe himself. Even at times he likes to take a shower, I remember everyone telling me how fast the time flies and I chuckled and was like thanks for the advice. Never paid much attention to it, I just knew it was going to be nice when he was more independent and could communicate with me.
Like this afternoon, I told him I got him a new digital camera because he has done a great job taking care of the camera he got for his birthday. So I got him a better childrens camera then the fisher price one our GodParents got him. He is really good at centering the people and has a good eye for it so I don't mind and I got a great deal on it. I showed him pictures of it (got it off Ebay) and he was so excited and told me that I was the greatest mommy ever. It is nice to hear especially after upsetting him when he wasn't allowed to play with the playdough after already finger painting.
Well I am looking forward to this weekend. Connor gets some time with his Aunt Jackie, Uncle Archie and his cousins. I am finally getting my tattoo in honor of my lil man who is the center of my earth.
I know my blogs aren't that interesting but it is my life and I am working on it. Trying to think outside of the box and meet new positive healthy people. Praying it will lead me to what I want a meanful relationship.

Why

So there is this guy who has been in my life for a few years now, really in and out like no one else before. I keep giving him chances that he doesn't deserve. Why do I keep letting him do this to me. I am not feeling desperate or maybe i am that desperate to be loved. I keep thinking he is serious this time and everytime he lets me down. I keep saying I am sick of being hurt but I keep letting it happen again and again.

I am less disappointed in him and more in myself for being so weak and allowing him to do this to me. Maybe my therapist is right, how can I date when I still don't know who I am outside of being Connor's mother. I am more then that but haven't allowed that to be since I was pregnant.

I have realized so much of my thinking is a carry over from the "skating days" and doesn't work for me anymore. I have been living in an all or nothing world that has lead me to the desperate and the unrelieable.

It is time for me and I am going to stop dating for awhile until I figure out me better. I guess I am dating..ME! lol....So he should have been here by now and of course no sign or call or text from him. Why am I surprised? I had to get that off my chest, before trying to sleep. I don't want to dream about him so this is it. I am done!

our Saturdays

These are the Saturdays I love. It starts a bit earlier then I would like but we are at basketball by 8:30 and done by 10:00. Connor is doing so much better this session and today he made four baskets in the higher basket, the only one who could make it. They were solid shots and now we are working on blocking and defense.
After basketball Connor went to the play zone and I went to workout. I feel like such a tard in the gym lately. I did an hour of cardio and thirty minutes of weights working my legs. I use to love killing myself in the gym it always felt so good and I knew what I was doing. Not this time around, maybe it is because I am so self conscience and have not really worked out since I was pregnant with Connor. My body is older now and I feel it much more, my knees were throbbing and my feet were tingling. But I worked through it so I know I can do it but now I need help with a routin and keeping from getting bored. I know my sister will help me with the issues, that is her job after all.
Now we are home and have cleaned up the house and fixed lunch. Connor is resting out on the couch and I am on here of course and finishing up laundry. I miss him being a baby and how much he slept but I do love how independent he is now. He is a great kid and now coming into his own. It is so cool to watch him play basketball and how serious he gets with it, which means when he gets the basics down we will move to Biddy Ball where it is more competitive.

Almost a year later

It has been quiet a while since I last blogged on here. Alot has happened but not much that is worthy of me spending my time blogging about it. But over the last few months everything from my health and my son's hasn't been great and then there is the car and the 800 dollars I have poured into it and trouble it had caused in getting around of course. Then SRS finally decided to investigate my son's old daycare center and the abuse I reported a few months ago.

Yes, my son was abused at ELF Childcare Center Inc. They didn't do anything about it and in fact promoted it everyday. There was something every day that he did and they lied about most of it. My son is potty trained but when we were at that center he was wetting his pants no less then twice a day and was scared to sleep by himself or be in the dark. I never saw any physical signs of abuse but the emotional problems and the constent issues with behavior lead me to see a therapist to help me deal with the issues. But instead of meeting with my son, she decided we needed to work on me first. Totally out of my comfort zone, I don't ever put myself first. It is always my son who I think about and take care of. But I am keeping an open mind and actually allowing myself the time to take care of myself. Hopefully through it all I will finally four years later lose the baby weight and keep up on my tanning keeping me from having to do my make up and keep it more natural. I like to think I am not high maintaince but it is kind of nice taking that time to be high mantiance. My son is not suffering for it any and in fact will do better with things when mom takes time for herself and models a strong person who takes care of herself.

Next is the subject of men...I am sick of going to weddings and watching my friends have babies. Yes I am so happy for them when it comes to being a mother, it is the most awesome thing in the world. I little sad for myself that I didn't have a husban or boyfriend at my side when I had Connor. Going through the induction, twelve hours of labor and subsequent C-Section, it would have been nice to have more then my mother there. Don't get me wrong the experience brought my mother and I to a whole new level. She was there throught it all and I am grateful for that but still at the time I didn't allow myself dwell on the fact I was a static on many levels and how I let many people down including myself. But I knew my life would change and damn I am a totally different person and never thought being a mother would actually feel so natural. I am strong and confident when it comes to my parenting skills. I would love to have a man beside me but that hasn't been in the cards. I have dated a bit, but havent found that connection with anyone. I have met the desperate and the useless, but behold there is one who might actually be in the running (lol).

I have known him for many years now and has always stuck around when I did nothing but push him away even after I got pregnant by someone else. He knows my family and my parents like him. He adores my son and knows his father and have mutual friends. He gets me and knows what to do when I am stressing over the stupid shit. I don't want to think about where it could go because just when I think like that it never happens. At least I know no matter what happens we will still be friends.

Okay so I am jealous of my friends who are getting married and sentimental when it comes to those who are having babies. A little sad when I see those presious pictures of happy mother and beautiful baby. See I want another baby something fierce but want it be in a serious relationship or married when I have my second baby but I am so feeling that biological clock ticking and it is getting louder by the minute. Need I mention I am closing in on thirty!

Now my fingers are jello and wrists are killing me so it is time to close.

Congratulations to all my wonderful friends who put up with me who are getting married and having babies.

Here is my baby who now talks back and gives me attitude that took me many years to learn...

Then... (with Auntie Eryn)

Now...