Today I sat down and wrote something in honor of my parents...I am sending it out to our family and have posted it on my myspace page and now here...
Today is our parents’ thirty-second wedding anniversary. They were married on this date in 1975 on the Queen Mary and honeymooned with a Caribbean Cruise where my mother suffered a sever sun burn and my father showed how much he already loved my mother and that he would always take care of her. The many cold wet towels he applied and never complained. In 1980, I came along and so began the test of children and their joys we provide. 1983, my sister joined the family, not that anyone asked me if it was okay. However, at that moment our family was complete. Here they are thirty-two years later, in that time not only have they raised two great daughters and welcomed back our half sister and family. They have lasted and grown stronger through multiple back surgeries, heart attack, and a triple by pass and stints, lost of parents and other family members. 1996, summer the major accident that changed our family forever and affected my mother the most. Everyday my father was there by her side. Kept us girls in line and showed us strength to go on during uncertain times. Not once has either strayed from their vows. Through tragedies and Celebrations of life, their love has been cemented for all around to admire. They are devoted and loving parents and grandparents, showing tough love when needed. They are beyond statistics and have stood strong against all they have experienced. They have taught their daughters what true love is, what it means to love and to be loved. How compromising is not weakness but strength. That when you love someone you do what is right for the both and not just for you. They have taught us through their love for each other, how important it is to hold tight to your family, after all they will always be there for you and support you.
May my sister and I be so lucky to find a man like our father and to be a devoted loving wife like our mother, to be a supportive strong example to our children.
To my parents La’ Chaim (Remember us for life) and to many more happy years together. With our love and admiration your daughters.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Feelings are too complicated
I listen to talk radio while I am at work and this morning I heard a wonderful quote from one of the presidential candidates: Courage to be a man is not to have a child but to RAISE that child. That really hit home with me. I have been struggling lately with how I feel toward my son’s father. How I feel about how I respected him for three years to tell his family and girlfriend about his son and still didn’t after being served in person with the Summons to answer the court to the Petition for Paternity. He either ignored it and hoped it would go away much like he hoped I would just let it go and forget he fathered a child and just get married or something so some other man could take care of and raise his son.
He never asked the court for a DNA test and he knows my son is his, and has from the beginning. I knew he wasn’t someone I would want a relationship with and never planned on getting knocked up. Who would want to raise a child without any help, it is the hardest thing I have even done in my life, there are no easy ways out when it comes to raising a child. Yes, this whole ordeal has made me stronger but it has also broken my heart not because I loved my son’s father but because I in my heart never thought he was the type of man to turn his back on a son. I told him the two times we actually talked once in person over a year ago that I just want him in our son’s life and it has nothing to do with me. Why would I want a relationship with a man who turned his back on his son. Pretty soon our son will be old enough to know what his father has done and might not want to see him or know him and that will be a huge loss. My son has a half sister and what I consider a step mother and another set of grandparents whom deserve to know and love my son just like my side of the family does. But because of their son and boyfriend they have been denied that chance. Because of my want to be respectful of his situation, I have inadvertently hurt many people in the process of respecting someone who hasn’t thought twice to make me look like a liar and gold digger.
So am I to be angry, pissed off, bitter, hostile? Hurt is what comes to mind most often. I don’t trust men in anyway because if one who was considered a friend could turn his back on his son then how I am I to trust what comes out of any of their mouths about how they feel about me. I am angry because he has lied to those who love him and hurt them more hiding my son than being a man and have the courage to stand up and be a father to his son. He is a wonderful dad to his daughter, my son did nothing to not deserve the same. The money is not completely the issue, I always knew I wouldn’t see a dime from that man, but for him to completely disown a son is beyond my ability to comprehend.
I am bitter I am the only one who is being responsible in this situation. I want to punch him in the gut every time I look at my son asleep every night. It is the only I can begin to help him understand how I feel and hurts.
Then on top of things I have to deal with what devastation my respect for that man has brought upon his girlfriend and daughter. I never wanted them to hurt but I couldn’t not keep my baby just because when they were separated he and I made an irresponsible choice. I was hoping that he would find the right time and tell her and she would understand after all, she knows how he is.
Okay now that I have rambled on and on I am tired and feel sick. I have been through a lot in the last year and the hardest has to be this issue. I know people don’t think I deserve to be in this world but I do because I have a son who is apart of the future and who knows what he has to offer. A lot if you ask me. SO I stay for him otherwise what would be the point.
He never asked the court for a DNA test and he knows my son is his, and has from the beginning. I knew he wasn’t someone I would want a relationship with and never planned on getting knocked up. Who would want to raise a child without any help, it is the hardest thing I have even done in my life, there are no easy ways out when it comes to raising a child. Yes, this whole ordeal has made me stronger but it has also broken my heart not because I loved my son’s father but because I in my heart never thought he was the type of man to turn his back on a son. I told him the two times we actually talked once in person over a year ago that I just want him in our son’s life and it has nothing to do with me. Why would I want a relationship with a man who turned his back on his son. Pretty soon our son will be old enough to know what his father has done and might not want to see him or know him and that will be a huge loss. My son has a half sister and what I consider a step mother and another set of grandparents whom deserve to know and love my son just like my side of the family does. But because of their son and boyfriend they have been denied that chance. Because of my want to be respectful of his situation, I have inadvertently hurt many people in the process of respecting someone who hasn’t thought twice to make me look like a liar and gold digger.
So am I to be angry, pissed off, bitter, hostile? Hurt is what comes to mind most often. I don’t trust men in anyway because if one who was considered a friend could turn his back on his son then how I am I to trust what comes out of any of their mouths about how they feel about me. I am angry because he has lied to those who love him and hurt them more hiding my son than being a man and have the courage to stand up and be a father to his son. He is a wonderful dad to his daughter, my son did nothing to not deserve the same. The money is not completely the issue, I always knew I wouldn’t see a dime from that man, but for him to completely disown a son is beyond my ability to comprehend.
I am bitter I am the only one who is being responsible in this situation. I want to punch him in the gut every time I look at my son asleep every night. It is the only I can begin to help him understand how I feel and hurts.
Then on top of things I have to deal with what devastation my respect for that man has brought upon his girlfriend and daughter. I never wanted them to hurt but I couldn’t not keep my baby just because when they were separated he and I made an irresponsible choice. I was hoping that he would find the right time and tell her and she would understand after all, she knows how he is.
Okay now that I have rambled on and on I am tired and feel sick. I have been through a lot in the last year and the hardest has to be this issue. I know people don’t think I deserve to be in this world but I do because I have a son who is apart of the future and who knows what he has to offer. A lot if you ask me. SO I stay for him otherwise what would be the point.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
So much change all at once
Well, life has turned a bit on it's head over the last two weeks for me and my beautiful son. I had finally sat myself down to write a letter to the state attorney to ask him to get my case going through the court because this no child support thing is starting to take a toll on me. I went to check my mail and put the letter to the attorney in the drop box, thank goodness I checked the mail first. There it was the thick packet that was from the same attorney that I was just sending a letter to. I told myself this only tells me they were once again unable to serve Connor's father the Summons to appear or respond to the Petition for Paternity. But I was so off the mark that I almost fell over when I opened the packet. Slowly unfolded the massively thick paperwork and my mouth nearly hit the ground. It took a few times reading the black typed letters to really sink in what it was saying...Mack never responded to the summons therefore defaulting and agreeing with the court's findings of him being Connor's father. The order also included the beginning of child support and that they found him to Owe the state $1300 and me $1500. So I found out that once the findings are entered into the Kansas Child Support Payment Center his credit report will immediatily show that he is in default of a court order. He can't lease an apartment or get a loan.
So the other letter I wrote after the attoney's letter that was never mail was a letter short and sweet to Mack's Parents. It included a recent picture of Connor and told them that he is their grandson and they are welcome to meet him anytime. Then this week I received a call from Mack Senior asking to meet Connor and me. Then the same day I got a call from Mack Jr.'s (Connor's dad) girlfriend asking me to call her back. Long story short Mack is claiming he only just found out about Connor last week when in fact he knew from the same day I was pregnent. Girlfriend and Mom want a DNA test which I will not pay for in anyway because the chance to take one was given and Mack turned it down!
He is the only one now that hasn't meet his son when even his own parents have. I just don't understand that man and why he let this stay a secrect for so long and hurt those he loves like this. HIs parents have missed two and a half years of their only grandson's life for what reason other than their son was too pussy to stand up and take responsiblity for his actions. And now he is trying to make me a liar when it is him.
I am emotionally drained...I knew from the beginning I was going to have to explain to Connor Mason why his father wasn't around and I have been getting use to the idea of "daddy" never being around but now that might now be the fact after all. I am happy for Connor but Scared for him at the same time because I don't know how Mack will be toward him now.
Well I am actually going out tonight and have to get into the shower and get ready to go...Maybe I will post a picture of me up here all made up ready to go out :)
So the other letter I wrote after the attoney's letter that was never mail was a letter short and sweet to Mack's Parents. It included a recent picture of Connor and told them that he is their grandson and they are welcome to meet him anytime. Then this week I received a call from Mack Senior asking to meet Connor and me. Then the same day I got a call from Mack Jr.'s (Connor's dad) girlfriend asking me to call her back. Long story short Mack is claiming he only just found out about Connor last week when in fact he knew from the same day I was pregnent. Girlfriend and Mom want a DNA test which I will not pay for in anyway because the chance to take one was given and Mack turned it down!
He is the only one now that hasn't meet his son when even his own parents have. I just don't understand that man and why he let this stay a secrect for so long and hurt those he loves like this. HIs parents have missed two and a half years of their only grandson's life for what reason other than their son was too pussy to stand up and take responsiblity for his actions. And now he is trying to make me a liar when it is him.
I am emotionally drained...I knew from the beginning I was going to have to explain to Connor Mason why his father wasn't around and I have been getting use to the idea of "daddy" never being around but now that might now be the fact after all. I am happy for Connor but Scared for him at the same time because I don't know how Mack will be toward him now.
Well I am actually going out tonight and have to get into the shower and get ready to go...Maybe I will post a picture of me up here all made up ready to go out :)
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Beautiful Days
This weekend weather was beautiful! After Religious services Connor and I went to my parents' house where dad was recoping from a back injection and Buggy was napping with Zadye. Connor and I got some toys outside and prepared the hose and yard for washing the car. We spent most of the afternoon outside and taking Buggy to do his business. Bubbe got Connor a red wagon that I have to get put together today so that when we come over tomorrow to wash Bubbe's Vue, we can take Buggy on a real walk and I can take Connor in the wagon and I am sure Buggy will spend a majority of the walk in the wagon too, spoiled little dog!
So things are good still, I have been hanging out more with some people I graduated high school with. She doesn't live too far from us so it is easy to get over there and our boys play well together and connor isn't afair of their Doberman Pincher which is great. We just found out Candace's twin sister is pregnant with Triplets! Yes she is totally freaked out but has so much support and friends to help out. Candace is always asking her husband if he knows of anyone to set me up with.
I haven't been out socially without Connor in many many months. I don't know if I have any identy outside of being Connor's mom and bread winner. I know I have a life in means of going to work and school and play dates with Connor. But I need to find myself.
Growing up I was "the Skater" until the end of middle school, then I was still the Skater, the outsider who knew everyone and was friends with everyone but never belonged to any one clique in high school. Then I thought I fell in love after graduation and was a broken damage shell of a person after the relationship fell apart. So, then I became the partier, the life of the party. The chick everyone wanted at the bar and when I wasn't at the bar I was in bed sleeping through the hang over. That was when I wan't working during the summer because I had my daddy wrapped around my finger to where I didn't have to work. But I worked little jobs like at tanning salons and such during that time. So, then I decide I am done with this and tired of being drunk and fighting with my parents and feeling empty, so back to school I was finally headed and that is when I found out before a shift at work that i was pregnant.
Life changed and I was no longer just Me but We and I could get lost in taking care of my child and learning how to be a good mother and not be bitter that he father was a total jerk and learned how to be sober.
I have just thrown myself into things so I don't have to think about how I feel because I don't feel anymore. I don't have any drama to make me mad, no man to shower with attention and cooking. I have a son to clean up after so the house is always too clean and he is tired of me by the end of the weekend. I don't even make him sleep in his own bed anymore because that way I have an excuse to not date or go out.
I am not really depressed just stuck! But reconnecting with old friends and making new ones at work is helping a bit and other friends making me come and see them because they understand helps a lot.
So things are good still, I have been hanging out more with some people I graduated high school with. She doesn't live too far from us so it is easy to get over there and our boys play well together and connor isn't afair of their Doberman Pincher which is great. We just found out Candace's twin sister is pregnant with Triplets! Yes she is totally freaked out but has so much support and friends to help out. Candace is always asking her husband if he knows of anyone to set me up with.
I haven't been out socially without Connor in many many months. I don't know if I have any identy outside of being Connor's mom and bread winner. I know I have a life in means of going to work and school and play dates with Connor. But I need to find myself.
Growing up I was "the Skater" until the end of middle school, then I was still the Skater, the outsider who knew everyone and was friends with everyone but never belonged to any one clique in high school. Then I thought I fell in love after graduation and was a broken damage shell of a person after the relationship fell apart. So, then I became the partier, the life of the party. The chick everyone wanted at the bar and when I wasn't at the bar I was in bed sleeping through the hang over. That was when I wan't working during the summer because I had my daddy wrapped around my finger to where I didn't have to work. But I worked little jobs like at tanning salons and such during that time. So, then I decide I am done with this and tired of being drunk and fighting with my parents and feeling empty, so back to school I was finally headed and that is when I found out before a shift at work that i was pregnant.
Life changed and I was no longer just Me but We and I could get lost in taking care of my child and learning how to be a good mother and not be bitter that he father was a total jerk and learned how to be sober.
I have just thrown myself into things so I don't have to think about how I feel because I don't feel anymore. I don't have any drama to make me mad, no man to shower with attention and cooking. I have a son to clean up after so the house is always too clean and he is tired of me by the end of the weekend. I don't even make him sleep in his own bed anymore because that way I have an excuse to not date or go out.
I am not really depressed just stuck! But reconnecting with old friends and making new ones at work is helping a bit and other friends making me come and see them because they understand helps a lot.
Friday, May 25, 2007
the pictures
so here are the pictures of the three of us today galivanting around town...okay less me because I refuse to have a camera in my direction for any reason!
Vacation Day
So I went into work for about four hours this morning and got a few minor things done. Then even though it was ishy outside I liberated Connor from daycare and we off to our home when the phone rang...it was "Auntie" asking if we wanted to hang out with her and Beetle Bug! and do some running around with them. Beetle Bug! is Eryn's new dog..a chihuahua mix and just the cutest thing, we went to the second vet visit with them and he was the best dog. Didn't even wimper when he got a shot and had his temp. taken. He is so good with Connor and as imagined Connor is now asking for a doggy of his own.
When I get us moved out to Andover and settled then we will get a dog but right now with School two nights a week and work full time I don't have much time to housetrain a puppy and a toddler. But soon I should be at Friends and only going to class only one night a week and life will be a bit easier and less crazy.
Today was great hanging out with Eryn and no fighting. I love her to death afterall we are sisters but indeed we are SISTERS! I know you get my drift and understand exactly what I am saying. But I am seeing a whole other motherly side to my little sister since she got Beetle Bug! It might be the closest I get to a Nephew is Beetle Bug! but I will take it and she already knows we can be counted on to doggy sit :)
So the plans for the Long and needed holiday weekend...Tonight go to sleep early since no naps today. :( Religious Services tomorrow morning and Sunday is the Martina McBride Concert (I haven't gone to a concert in forever) The last time I asked and really wanted to go to a concert was back in fifth grade and it was New Kids on the Block and my best friend and her sister got to go and my mom said no because of this and that..honestly I tuned her out after about five minutes of excuses. So I am really excited and will of course have my camera and will post pictures. Since my best friend got us tickets for the sixth row from the stage I am excited and have my cowboy boots and jeans with the rhinestone horseshoes on the ass pockets all washed and ready...eeeehawwwww :)
When I get us moved out to Andover and settled then we will get a dog but right now with School two nights a week and work full time I don't have much time to housetrain a puppy and a toddler. But soon I should be at Friends and only going to class only one night a week and life will be a bit easier and less crazy.
Today was great hanging out with Eryn and no fighting. I love her to death afterall we are sisters but indeed we are SISTERS! I know you get my drift and understand exactly what I am saying. But I am seeing a whole other motherly side to my little sister since she got Beetle Bug! It might be the closest I get to a Nephew is Beetle Bug! but I will take it and she already knows we can be counted on to doggy sit :)
So the plans for the Long and needed holiday weekend...Tonight go to sleep early since no naps today. :( Religious Services tomorrow morning and Sunday is the Martina McBride Concert (I haven't gone to a concert in forever) The last time I asked and really wanted to go to a concert was back in fifth grade and it was New Kids on the Block and my best friend and her sister got to go and my mom said no because of this and that..honestly I tuned her out after about five minutes of excuses. So I am really excited and will of course have my camera and will post pictures. Since my best friend got us tickets for the sixth row from the stage I am excited and have my cowboy boots and jeans with the rhinestone horseshoes on the ass pockets all washed and ready...eeeehawwwww :)
Sunday, May 20, 2007
more pictures
Connor in Auntie's Big ass shoes...lol!
Well, mom is in the kitchen making Fried Chicken and Cutting watermelon to take to the park. Andover now has "Central Park" it is by the new Andover Central High and Middle Schools. Crazy really when I graduated almost ten years ago that whole area was nothing but a large Girl Scout Park...with a dirt road...Progress. But anyway the Entire Family including Eryn (my little Sister) is going out to the park for the afternoon. Really a beautiful day a bit windy but that is Kansas for you. I am sure I will have pictures to post of the event...lol...
Auntie and Connor Playing Soccer on Mother's day 
Bubbe and Connor on Mother's day...Bubbe is yiddish for grandmother. Connor loves sitting in "Bubbe's Chair" to watch TV, along or with Bubbe doesn't bother him either way...he is always happy to share bubbe's chair with bubbe...lol
Well, mom is in the kitchen making Fried Chicken and Cutting watermelon to take to the park. Andover now has "Central Park" it is by the new Andover Central High and Middle Schools. Crazy really when I graduated almost ten years ago that whole area was nothing but a large Girl Scout Park...with a dirt road...Progress. But anyway the Entire Family including Eryn (my little Sister) is going out to the park for the afternoon. Really a beautiful day a bit windy but that is Kansas for you. I am sure I will have pictures to post of the event...lol...
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