Feelings are too complicated

I listen to talk radio while I am at work and this morning I heard a wonderful quote from one of the presidential candidates: Courage to be a man is not to have a child but to RAISE that child. That really hit home with me. I have been struggling lately with how I feel toward my son’s father. How I feel about how I respected him for three years to tell his family and girlfriend about his son and still didn’t after being served in person with the Summons to answer the court to the Petition for Paternity. He either ignored it and hoped it would go away much like he hoped I would just let it go and forget he fathered a child and just get married or something so some other man could take care of and raise his son.
He never asked the court for a DNA test and he knows my son is his, and has from the beginning. I knew he wasn’t someone I would want a relationship with and never planned on getting knocked up. Who would want to raise a child without any help, it is the hardest thing I have even done in my life, there are no easy ways out when it comes to raising a child. Yes, this whole ordeal has made me stronger but it has also broken my heart not because I loved my son’s father but because I in my heart never thought he was the type of man to turn his back on a son. I told him the two times we actually talked once in person over a year ago that I just want him in our son’s life and it has nothing to do with me. Why would I want a relationship with a man who turned his back on his son. Pretty soon our son will be old enough to know what his father has done and might not want to see him or know him and that will be a huge loss. My son has a half sister and what I consider a step mother and another set of grandparents whom deserve to know and love my son just like my side of the family does. But because of their son and boyfriend they have been denied that chance. Because of my want to be respectful of his situation, I have inadvertently hurt many people in the process of respecting someone who hasn’t thought twice to make me look like a liar and gold digger.
So am I to be angry, pissed off, bitter, hostile? Hurt is what comes to mind most often. I don’t trust men in anyway because if one who was considered a friend could turn his back on his son then how I am I to trust what comes out of any of their mouths about how they feel about me. I am angry because he has lied to those who love him and hurt them more hiding my son than being a man and have the courage to stand up and be a father to his son. He is a wonderful dad to his daughter, my son did nothing to not deserve the same. The money is not completely the issue, I always knew I wouldn’t see a dime from that man, but for him to completely disown a son is beyond my ability to comprehend.
I am bitter I am the only one who is being responsible in this situation. I want to punch him in the gut every time I look at my son asleep every night. It is the only I can begin to help him understand how I feel and hurts.
Then on top of things I have to deal with what devastation my respect for that man has brought upon his girlfriend and daughter. I never wanted them to hurt but I couldn’t not keep my baby just because when they were separated he and I made an irresponsible choice. I was hoping that he would find the right time and tell her and she would understand after all, she knows how he is.
Okay now that I have rambled on and on I am tired and feel sick. I have been through a lot in the last year and the hardest has to be this issue. I know people don’t think I deserve to be in this world but I do because I have a son who is apart of the future and who knows what he has to offer. A lot if you ask me. SO I stay for him otherwise what would be the point.