Update

So I havent had time to post on here in a long time. Life has been busy to say the least. Everytime I turn around something else is happening that limits my time. So where to begin? Beginning of June is a good place to start...my boyfriend and I have been talking about him moving in with me and Connor. Slowly but surely he has been moving bits and pieces into my place, then there was a pregnancy scare thrown in there. Then I get a phone call from Connor's father, Mack. He was needing a place to stay not wanting to allow the negative cycle to repeat by moving into his familys place. After much debate with myself I allowed him to crash on my couch. Knowing it will be a few months of discomfort finacially and personal space wise. It was the best thing for him and would be okay for Connor being able to see his father every day finally.
What I didnt realize was that he was a built in babysitter and allow me to work more as well. So once again balancing a social life and being a mother. Top things off with my starter on my car rapidly going out, another reason to have Mack around. he fixes that kind of stuff.
Oh yeah then there is Ryan who is a sweatheart and in my life and always supportive and helpful when it comes to my finacial life. he is a great guy
Well that is all the time I have for now to catch everyone up on my goings on...the dryer just stopped and lil man needs to be moved out of my bed into his own

April 20-Sunday 26

Last week was about the busiest week we have had in a long time. Everyday we seemed to have something to do after work. Monday we went to my parents house for dinner then Connor and Bubbe went to a puppet show at Derby High School while I went to work out. Tuesday was dinner with a friend of mine to celebrate my birthday and a stop at the mall. Wednesday was the big 29 birthday and family dinner at Texas Road House. Thursday was a play date with my good friend from high school and her little boy not much younger then Connor. We had great adult, mother to mother and woman to woman talk. We both needed that time! Friday I had my son's sister spend the night and a new friend came over early Saturday morning. We had a great time talking until eight in the morning. Saturday was soccer and Connor's Cousin's birthday BBQ. Later that evening my friend came over again and spent Saturday night with me. He even convinced me into going bowling with him. SO we went cosmic bowling and I totally suprised myself! I haven't picked up a ball in four years or so, I was competitive in my bowling and hadn't bowled for fun. I had a great time with KJ and he made me relax and just have fun. I rolled a 168, 213, 211, 154, and 183...crazy awesome time...a great way to celebrate my birthday. Totally not the way I expected to celebrate the big 29, but I loved it.

Hopefully there is something there with KJ, we have a lot in common and understand one another on a level that no one has ever gotten me before. I don't have to explain my situation with my baby daddy because he has the same situation with his baby mama.

Sunday was another fun filled day the end the week I took Connor fishing for the first time with a friend of mine Ryan. We caught a few twigs and had more fun getting the worms. Below are a few soccer pictures and the fishing trip pictures...totally forgot my camera so we only had the phone camera to use but they came out not so bad.

Ready to be me

Since childhood I always felt like I wasn't quiet good enough for anything good that came my way or that I worked hard for. That is finally gone. Since I became a mother I have realized a strength in me that I never allowed to shine, I have accomplished things I never imagined possible. Until now I have not allowed myself to see, accept or pat my self on the back for all that I have truly accomplished and who I have grown to be. I am truly one kick ass chick in every aspect of the word. I have come to realize that those men who have come and gone through my life only deposited small truths in my soul. I use to think it was that there was something wrong with me that made them leave and in the end there is blame on both people shoulders to bare the end of a relationship but it also means it wasn't me who had the problems it was them and recently I have realized no matter how much I like the guy and can see a future with him it isn't me who didn't quiet measure up it was him. I am a smart woman who is doing great at work, who has made herself invaluable to the manager and director she works for, who accomplished all objectives set forth for her in a timely manner and usually way before deadlines. I am focused and driven to always put my best foot forward, always challanging myself to find better ways to do what I do. If I impress myself then I know others will be in awe because of how critical I am of my work. My social life is balanced with being a single mother of a beautiful son who is my world. I work hard to have a reasonably decent body and am proud of my womanly figure and accept that I will never be a super model or a model for that matter nor do I want that it is more difficult then some might realize. I strive to keep an open mind and give everyone a chance once. I love to smile and laugh, my favoriate part of my body are my eyes. I am a sports nut and am always at home in a sports bar. I like to keep my son active and living healthy, supporting him in everything he tries and encourage him in everything he doesn't excel at. I love my life and the lack of a man in it doesn't lessen the feeling of success I feel. I have learned a relationship doesn't cement your worth as a woman only you can do that. Having a man and a relationship means another thing to balance, nature and cultivate. My focus use to be on getting a man until I realized how much of an incredable woman I already am and trust the right man will come into my life at the right time if I am open and ready to receive him. So you have now met the real true me, I have unzipped the costume that was protecting the precious golden me. If you like it great, if not that is not my problem!

Easter/Passover

Sunday was a busy day for Connor and myself. We started the day at my parents house helping Eryn go through her boxes of stuff getting ready for her hopeful move to Kansas City. After lunch we headed home to get a few chores done and a nap in for Connor. After being home for a matter of half an hour we received a call that it was time to get to The Jenkins' house for Easter Egg Hunt...we spent the rest of the afternoon with the Jenkins enjoying the soul food and a movie we headed to my parents house for a passover Sader (last supper). A second big meal with more great food. It made for a long day and evening, by the time we got home with all the leftovers both of us crashed and were out cold quickly.
This exposing connor to both religions is more difficult then I expected but I am doing it for him and that is what is important. He loved his Sunday and to watch him have fun with his sister and cousins was heartwarming and then his interaction with my family is comforting.

New Found Confidence

Life has been busy lately with work and family. I did something last Saturday that I never thought I would do. But some background first, I have a close friend who is a great photographer, published and all. We have known eachother for about seven years now and ever since the first time we met he has wanted me in front of his camera. I have always thought he was crazy!

See I have always been so self-conscience about how I look and NEVER have liked how I look in pictures. For seven or so years now I have been asked to do a photo shoot and I always said no that I wasn't happy with how my body looked that when I was more happy with it I would do the pictures. It became new years resolutions and never happened.

Not that I am any more pleased with my body now then before its that I am more accepting of myself and my body now. I love it for all that I am and all it has become. This body brought a healthy baby boy into this world and sustained it for the first six months of life. I finally gave in and when it was suggested again to do the shoot. I could not believe I was going through with it but I was determined to show myself I could do it since I have conquered so many other fears pictures should be a piece of cake.

In the end I had a blast and realized it isn't easy or comfortable to be infront of the camera. But promised to do a few more shoots before I decide it isn't for me. So below are the three great shots we got, the photographer said that many first timers don't even get one picture that is presentable. So I feel great about it and the new found confidence is wearing quiet nicely. I can already tell how it has carried into other aspects of my life and I am in love with it.

Soccer

Connor has his second soccer game today, and pictures also were today...hair is getting longer then it has in a long time. He has decided to let it grow out, he wants braids and his ears pierced. I just sigh, we have decided to wait on the ear piercing until he is a bit older and can handle the pain better. I will go with the hair growing out, saves me $12 every other week on cuts, that bald fade grows out with a quickness. So I think pictures will turn out great especially the Team Plaque picture. It was definitely soccer weather this morning, very brisk. We played the first quarter then his asthma started acting up so we had to leave at half time. I got a few pictures of practice and the game. He is doing great with passing and as coach calls it "smaching the blood" (stopping the ball) cracks me up how small the shin gaurds are and the cleats are precious. He is still working on getting in there with the ball and being more aggressive. But his attention before the practice after pictures were done was on the boys his age playing flag football. He desperately wants to play football, he promised to not tackle and be rough. So many next year it will be fall soccer and spring flag football. I just want him to find a sport and stick with it, or maybe two with opposite seasons. Either way as long as it is a team scholastic sport that could get him through college I will be most pleased. I am so proud of him and how quick he is picking up the rules of the game (Soccer) and shows interest in practicing new skills.

Sick Buggies

Saturday after the wedding reception Connor was acting a bit puny but I chalked it up to late night and no nap. Sunday I picked him up from his Aunt Tina's and he immediately fell asleep in the car on the way to the store to pick up some items. We got home and took his temerpature and it was a bit elevated but not anything that concerned me. Gave him some cough medicine to calm down his dry painful cough and called it an early night. I was anticipating getting up early for work and getting my stuff packed for the gym, but being up all night had me regretting not taking a nap sunday when I had the chance. 5:45 Monday morning Connor woke up and I checked his temerpature and it was 101.3 and the cough wasn't getting any better. Needless to say someone wasn't going to work. I hated to use my vacation day but had to be a good mother first and for most. The weather made it difficult to not feel like the day was being wasted. See even when my son is sick he doesn't act sick, he laid on the couch and watched Noggin most of the day when he was in my room wanting to cuddle with me, even though noggin was still on. He was getting cabin fever around fourish and it was nearly 80 degrees, so we took a walk around the neighborhood. He wanted to go to the park desperately and it was difficult to say no, but I knew he wasn't feeling well still so no to the park and being around all those kids.
Last night was scary to say the least. Connor broke two fevers during the day, both were mild not over 100.3. He laid down on my bed around 6:00pm and he felt warm so I wrapped him in cool cloths and he feel asleep. I moved him into his own bed around 8:00pm where I noticed he was burning up. Sure enough after taking his temerpature again it was 103.5, terrifying. I nearly rushed him into the emergency room until I got my whits about myself. He was disoriented and not completely conscience. He had a twitch in his shoulders and was babbling making no sense. I called my mother had her pick up more fever reducing medication since we ran out that afternoon. I ran a cool bath and put his poor little body in it, after a few shutters and shock of the cool water on his body he was able to sit there unassisted while I got ice packs from the freezer and multiple towels and cold compresses. got him out the bath and put him back to bed without drying him off and got the compress on him and the ice packs around his trunk. He was sleeping without the fingers in his mouth (never happens) i knew he was not doing well. We got him up to take the medicine and sip some clear fluids. After about 20 minutes his eyes were looking like normal again and his reactions were coming back to normal as well. It was scary there for a while but we got the fever down to 101.3 and finally this morning at 8am he was back to 97.7. I am watching him for the next couple of hours, resigned to not going into work yet again today. I am not going to feel like we wasted another 80 degree day, once I know the fever is at bay we will go to the gym. Since he has been on antibotices for 48 hours I know he is not contagious and will be accepted into the kids zone at the gym. We will do our grocery shopping and maybe do a picnic lunch. I know he was sick but I don't want to waste a perfect day home with my son.
I wish I could be a stay at home mother but I am not blessed with that ability and am doing the best I can. I hope Connor never resents my decision to keep him and raise him on my own. I must work full time and once I finally get my schooling done things will be much easier. If I am making over 30,000 without a degree just imagine what I could be making with a degree. I am so freaking close, only two core classes that I have been putting off for 11 years now and two electives then I will only have 13 months left until my degree is done. Then on to the masters which will be another 13-15 months to complete. I keep reminding myself it wasn't the rabbit that won the race but the turttle. I will get that degree and when I do it will mean so much more then it does to those who just sail through school without intrupption.